I hope all of my anxiety stays in this box.

I’ve been waiting for someone to tell me the genuine reasons for doing Computer Science for over a year now. Unlike people I know, I don’t really have an interest in developing games, I don’t want to spend the rest of my in software development and I would hang myself before writing Database Administrator on my CV. The whole thing about higher education... well, I don’t want to learn any more. I’m happy with my makeshift code and I don’t want to study any more about what *these* electrons in a silicon chip represent or find more efficient ways to do my shit.

And I’ll say a little bit about the people. I understand that I will be able to meet normal students doing subjects with soul in them, but the guys (because that’s a fact) I’ll deal with every day are going to be as difficult as myself. I’ll turn to my side during a lecture to bitch about my problem, perhaps to someone with a personality, but more likely just the cream of the crop of budding geeks and freaks.

I like programming, and I do spend the majority of my spare time on a computer, but is that honestly enough for me base spending three years dedicated to a discipline? There are modules on operating systems, networks and hardware that I couldn’t give two hoots about. Did I pick it because it’s a subject I’m good at?

No. It was the only one that was left. And I’m naive to think there might be someone I will be able to share the apprehension with me.

Dearest

Please stop editing your posts. It makes me look out of date and misinformed. I know it’s your way of saying my advice sucked, but you’re the one that asked for it.

Southampton’s pen was enough to convince me.

At the end of all of this, I’m not much closer to making a decision. Nothing particularly impressed me at Warwick. I already know I like the course structure, and perhaps the Learning Grid might have, but we didn’t see it.

People told me Warwick was a lot like a bubble, in terms of the suffocation of having everything on that one site. I like this, but the tour really didn’t sell it. The SU may well be brilliant after it’s refurbished, but at the moment, I wasn’t really convinced.

I really don’t feel I’ve seen enough of what life is like here, but there certainly wasn’t anything as involved as Southampton or York and the halls really seemed to lack a human touch.

I have no idea what my choice is now. I hope the tutors at St Anne’s can do that for me.

gl

Just remember that you’re genuinely the reason there are so many medics this year. It’s because you’re so committed, so determined and such an inspiration, that I’m convinced you’re Cambridge material.

circa 2005

I gave my money to Trace and she spent it on ChOCOLATE.

Unlikelihood

I guess prospects are looking grimmer and grimmer now. Interviews didn’t go brilliantly and I don’t think that I have a killer Mathematic Admissions Test to back up my chances.

In fact, even if I get in, all I have is a shitty room in a Victorian house, in a place with too many people, miles away from the other colleges. At least the people haven’t seemed like dicks and I liked the room I was staying in - I’m just being bitter. I was just unimpressed by Anne’s, but maybe I’ll grow to like it. Perhaps I’ll get another college, but I’m sure I’ll also not like that one much, either.

Oxford was fun. I had a nice four days, and I’m convinced I’ll enjoy university life wherever I go.

For your information, my rejection letter gets sent on Monday, and will probably arrive just after we break for the holidays. I hope that it gives me something to work towards, because if not, Southampton’s ABB offer is unlikely to motivate me (especially since they’re likely to lower it even further since I’m keen on them).

One-in-three, huh?

Point of Information

If your name has an 'i' in it, I probably hate your guts.

The heights yield to endeavour

This was the place where everything seemed normal. This was the place where the tutors were confident that I'd enjoy Southampton enough to encourage me to make my own choice. This was the place where the people seemed to really enjoy doing their project work. This was the place that had a fantastic Student Union building. This was the place where the course content seemed normal, people learned practical languages and didn't have to do unnecessary module. This was a place where they don't like to offer places through Extra and Clearing, but rather make offers at lower grades to those who actually want to come. This was the place where lots of technology companies, and YinI itself, are based. This was the place where the Computing Lab was a useful environment.

This is the offer that makes sense. It just seems like there's a catch and I can't find it.

Where did all the nice watches go?

Probably the biggest regret of this summer was not buying that Elle Homme watch (EH707MBBI, if any of you happen to be going to Asia). This morning, I tracked down the retailer, but there doesn't seem to be any shipping, international or otherwise.

So the hunt continues for me to find a new watch. Something minimalist and stylish, but not extremes of either of those categories. And while I do love the prospect of having "YACHT MASTER" on my wrist, I just want something that tells the time (and looks good, obviously).

My dream watch is still a Seiko Spring Drive (the only manufacturer offering a true sweep movement), but they're ridiculously expensive. There are alternative fashion watches by Issey Miyake and Storm which are decent. Not to mention elements of Rado, Nixon and Casio which I do like.

For anyone looking for their own watch, some advice that will save you time: chronograph is a synonym for ugly. Stay away from gold, pointy minute hands and divided bracelets.

And by the way, Peter Brown has the nicest watch in St Olave's. Easily.

Also...

Mark 'Dickhead' Haworth has an 'i' in it.

In the Sun

The Joseph Arthur version has so much more punch and erm... emoness. It's deeper, definitely a more powerful version.

Toss in a piano, and you ruin it. Perhaps it goes better as a soundtrack to a hospital drama, but as your favourite song? No.

Circa 2006

The rain continues to taunt us, so I almost broke up. I bought a friend a trophy for his birthday, but he doesn't appreciate it because we're not friends anymore.

So

if I'm the best person she's ever met, how come her life has gone back to normal?

Good luck at the bad timing awards.

Smoking, unlike bullets and fighter planes, can kill you.

Illegal shit day

Allow. There was no reason to have believed in my peers. I can't believe that I'm the biggest rebel. Doesn't bringing a second shirt defeat the point?

The real JC

Curse of the Golden Flower was lacking in Spartans.

Honestly

I keep dreaming about that girl. I'm being unfaithful, but that's not something I'll ever be able to control. Just get out of my life, Hydrogen.

Circa 2005

I'm tired of typing your name out using one hand only.

Please officially change it to 'Trais'.

Fridays

I really wish I could go through one day without rolling my eyes.

Or cringing.

Or sighing in front of someone.

Just a normal day where I can be comfortable, relax, and not have to listen to music through sound isolating earphones.

Clocks

The worst thing in the world is that month rhyme, which goes "Thirty days hath December..." because it doesn't work. Not famine.

Sense of Style

Pathetic people that wear white:

1. The tk vampire in the Matrix Reloaded.

In business again, yo.

The exams are over and it's just another day I'm just glad I don't have spinocerebellar allotropy. I think I did okay, if you were wondering, but usually, it's something that we tend to wish we could forget about.

Pro

Don't lose sight of why you want to be a doctor behind all the news reports you've had to read up on. There's no substitute for the care I know you'll bring.

Bullshit: Cease and desist

If what you say is true, of course you're going to be better than me. You can run faster, weigh more and be richer for all I care.

But you and I both know that it is complete and utter bullshit. Does it make you feel good when you exaggerate your achievements? Do you enjoy making people feel bad? You're not a badass for saying you've done things, that title comes from doing them. And don't get me started on friends you don't have.

There are things that I need to add to a list now, but I've forgotten them with so many to remember.

advanced prototype

I'm tired of getting emails from the future. For fuck's sake.

positive procrastination

Positive procrastination is when you use your unwillingness to complete one task as motivation to do another. Rather than delay doing one thing by spending time doing useless things, such as looking at Digg every five seconds, if you have other tasks, you can work on those instead.

In other words, all of my half term homework is done, and I've filled out most of my UCAS form, but I am still fucked for the Art Exhibition.

TAOM

1. Too structured: 26 rigid chapters, none of which near the quality of a web article. Nothing is particularly memorable, except the feeling of disappointment. That's not to say that there aren't any highlights, but I can't think of a favourite.
2. Far-fetched: I know it's meant to be, but the Maddox I love is the one that systematically refutes people, places and things... not one that writes a guide to moshing. I think the book is generally devout of the insults that actually make me laugh.
3. No ending: zombies? It just ended; Z was poor, and with no epilogue, I finished the book just thinking of its poorness.

Yet somehow I still have to pretend that it's an epic when I talk about it in public.

Cuz

I'm sorry for making fun of you all of the time, even in front of your face. It's the only thing that I can do in awkward situations I blame my upbringing.

It's only because of a certain band that I can pretend to have any knowledge of English Literature. I wish I knew everything that my knowledge touched on - just by name being able to recite Wikipedia.

In other news, I'm going to stop wearing white, as of today.

xkcd

It's sad that I'm the only person I know (possible exception: Cam) that will see humour in this one.

Please don't do it.

Christmas Shopping

The only thing I want for Christmas is a black beanie, which has 'Underground' on it (preferably looking the transport logo only, but any other clothing items describable as "underground beanies" will do). Similarly adorned visors are acceptable, but not preferred.

Please co-ordinate this with everyone else that I know to ensure that I get one (and only one).

Awesome things about UltraEdit:

Column mode:

You said that being able to tab out multiple rows was the most useful thing, but I found out that you can do it with text too (eg comment out lots of code, replace columns of numbers).

FTP support:

Everytime you save a file, it uploads it to the server, meaning I've saved about an day's worth of unnecessary clicking, typing and waiting.

July 7

According to Taiwan tradition, the color and number of the roses holds much significance. For example, one red rose means "an only love," eleven roses means "a favorite," ninety-nine roses means "forever," and one hundred eight roses means "marry me".

What rating is your passion/interest for your subject?

Obviously it is pretty important that you enjoy your subject and the only real reason to pick up a course, since a lot of degrees are on level pegging.

Until this year I used to actually have an interest in Computing. I guess it's the exam system that really kills it and stops it from being fun, which is exactly why I want to continue on at uni. On a 1 to 10 scale? 8-ish.

reply:

like how your hair looked stupid today?

My favourite algorithm?

Gotta be the 'This one's easy, you just do this... Oh shit, it isn't working. Let's cheat a bit. BAM!' Sort.

Things like.....

this piss me off and hate a certain two letters, next to each other on a keyboard, even more.

And make me a little more bitter.

they call him a poor man's geek

There's someone I know that's really full of shit (well, another one). Chatting pie all the time... hating OSX having never used it... recommending things he doesn't own... giving bad advice and pretending he's better than the world...

They call him a poor man's geek.

And painfully... it's like looking into a mirror.

Number One Highlight

The guy giving me a nod on the train. I had an Angus to his Whopper.

Frankly, it's the same but with the meat mashed into a steak shape and with a different bun (not grilled, but it does have those nice yellow bits that you get on Subway subs).

But the bloke approved.

Dropping words about the city we're in...

Ordinarily, I wouldn't look forward to spending five hours in a room of fifty other geeks. The typical "oh I've already read the prospectus and don’t have any questions" was common to us all and I'm sort of thankful there wasn't a twat-ass parent who would ask a long question to keep us from lunch.

Conversation was *so* awkward.

...

Three of us were on the same corridor of rooms for the interviews. The first guy gets the "superhero" first year Programming and Algorithms lecturer. The second girl (woah!) gets the professor that teaches maths, "who's really helpful". I get the one who "I'm sorry, I haven't heard of her".

York campus and accommodation is incredibly nice, and I could see this regardless of the shitty weather. It's a pity there's so much emphasis on hardware on the course, because I would've liked to study here.

I have no idea why the first word was "Ordinarily". I'd still never want to do it.

Except when I have to next week.

And (possibly) the week after.

To complete the trilogy

sometimes

- Yeah, but like.... Daedalus muttered to the fellow, before pausing.

Inappropriate time to say "But she's a girl"?

Uni Apps

There is another group of people who stole my idea on Facebook. Although my solution is much better, they're much more committed.

I've accomplished everything I need to. This was always more of a service to myself than something for others. If it never resurfaces in the Applications Directory, then fine, I've learned all that I need to, and at least I have something to talk about during my interviews.

Frankly, footing the bill for people in Newcastle isn't what this is about. Bragging about the fact I have four conditionals was always the point.

The one who "I'm sorry, I haven't heard of her"

I thought I was going nowhere when I said replacing a list of Prolog rules with a multi-dimensional array was messy and there could be other solutions to the problem.

Turns out she's a lecturer whose research focuses include Object Oriented Programming.

Dear Jay Fucking Aitch,

I totally emphasise with you on this one. Mrs Lewis was totally out of order to throw a green slip at you like that, after all, you’re a Cambridge applicant, and that immediately makes you better than everyone else in the world. Considering we’ve only had three weeks to produce a ten page report, and then you’ve been bogged down with all of these interviews... It’s no wonder you didn’t even manage to start. I feel for you, man, I’ve almost had as many interviews as you, and a minor thing like applying for jobs is nothing compared to the stress you’ve gone through on those four days of really solid preparation I heard you did for Clare College. Oh, and hearing the VLE hates you, and the fact that the IT technicians don’t do their jobs, or that the school network never works for you, it’s just SO disheartening and I’m definitely considering helping you uncover the conspiracy against you. It makes me consider myself lucky that I’m one of the few people privileged with this sort of valuable resource to do the homework. I’m glad I made a copy of all the files for you so that you could have as equal a chance as us lesser members of the class, and it’s such a shame that with all this chaos going on in your world that you forgot this fact.

And I was just heartbroken when you announced today that your already incredibly huge balls might have grown big enough for you to threaten to drop out from our Computing lessons. It’s more than just the balance that is maintained from having an odd number of people, it’s your witty remarks, your requests to listen to music during lessons, your useful perceptive ability to spot mistakes, oh the list goes on. I’m even going to miss the way you sit. And when you march up to Ms Kavanagh and tell her that you have your three As, and don’t need this subject a part of me will die.

I know I’ll always be a spiteful, bitter boy, but after watching your fine example of how to act as a model student, I’ll be the first to congratulate you if you get into Cambridge, and definitely won’t smile when you get your rejection letter.

Stop pissing me off/ Good luck with being better than the world,

Alex

Criticisms of the AQA Computing Course 1

Teaching and making use of syntactically incorrect HTML is unfair and misleading.

I guess Chapter 63 has been the only one that I understood.

ridiculously nerdy dream...

some guy grinds wikipedia to a halt by switching one ethernet cable to a slower one. thankfully, ctu is on the case, and realise that since capacity has decreased tenfold on a certain server, they should investigate.

turns out to be the head of wikipedia to drive their donation fund - it's such a great plot that I recommended the plot for the new season of scooby-doo. dream ends.

ill

I'm ill. I hate to admit things, this one suggesting that I'm weak. It makes me feel even more pathetic that it's only a cold and I'm so sick over it.

And I don't want to see a doctor. Why? Well, firstly, I'm sure that my father will take time off to bring me to one. I'm not sure whether the suggestion of Chinese medicine will come first, but eventually I'll get annoyed that he's having to put his life on hold to look after me.

He'll then, no doubt, see to it that I 'owe him one', hold 'all the times you were sick and I had to look after you' against me. Of course, it's not just that. In the short term, I'm sure he'll be able to find a way to attribute it to me always being on the computer, having an untidy room, not focusing on homework, not having a real girlfriend yet, always going out (which to be fair, is probably the reason), etc.

I think I'll just go back to sleeping in 12 hour shifts and coughing up blood in between.

sixteen

Today wasn't too good of a day. Waking up, sleep deprived, to the sunrise with my Lucia was nice and at one point I thought today could have been the best of my life. Unfortunately, it wasn't that, and my day was full of disappointments as well as just being generally bad.

I got up and left the house early for school. The family left a card on the table, but I didn't open it - I knew exactly how it would look inside and that I'll be able to come back to an open family later, anyway. I took a stroll through the park, expecting an epiphany, but it was just cold. I almost missed the train, since the cool look isn't very practical. A promised birthday song never came.

In the morning, I got a nod and a text from Byuu, but that was all. I walked to school on my own, but I'd been ignoring my regulars in the morning anyway.

At school, nothing happened. Perhaps I wish I was popular, just for this day. I forgot my bottle and my camera, so my throat was dry and art lesson unproductive. The day was just generally bad, homework and things, as I listened to Alf talk at me for another four periods.

I ended up spending lunch alone (or with people who don't talk, the same thing). Expect nothing else from Olavians. No treats, nothing. I did consider going out to eat, but that constitutes what? A meal I don't want with people I have nothing in common with? I completed the DoE routecard by myself at lunch, all the time and money, yet not so much as a 'thanks'. in my direction. My group doesn't reply to (or read, I suppose) email, and is now joined by another guy who annoys me.

My English teacher loses my handwritten essay, gay because I have to complete this by the next morning (or get a 0). I also get pointless, but long, homeworks from the Physics and Geography departments.

The station shop ceases trading of Extra (Thin) Ice, the sole item which makes me unique. Despite winning 'Ample Time', the train journey was mostly trying to get Byuu to play the guitar, and his refusal, due to such non-reasons. I think 'people not being up for it' is my new pet hate. I walked home in the rain.

I'm emphasising facts to sound overdramatic here. It could've happened on a normal day anyway, but the day was full of these small, irritating things throughout. You've got me having to reinstall my MuVo, for example.

I got home and left straight after. I had told my family that I was going to Sam's and vice versa. I actually spent the time in my place. I wanted to do this anyway, since my family hasn't been getting on and I didn't want to be in the shadow of someone else (neither of us did!). That said, I suppose people were expecting to see me there, and it's my fault, too.

Back at home, I felt overworked after completing the essay to an unsatisfactory standard and the notes to a usual bollocks set of bull points. I also felt tired, but found myself unable to sleep. I almost cried thinking about how I'm always going to be this short (really!).

By midnight, I had received a text, a call, a card, two mails and nine in person. Presents? A domain, which I'm later not allowed.

I don't want to feel bad for bumming anyone out by making them feel sorry for me or feel bad for neglecting me, so I'll leave this for a few weeks. Never regret anything about such a stupid holiday, just the last few weeks have been kinda crap and this day really takes the cake.

Thanks to anyone who did anything later. I am purposely overlooking the fact that I should've been at Sam's, so sorry.

Thanks

There's an air of tension at the dinner table again today (23-03-06).
It's Mother's Day, and a related speech at Church has hit Dad hard.
Amanda's quick to pick this up, but doesn't care either way.
And WCAY, I can never tell with her - it's like she speaks a different language.
Dad's really feeling it.
I must be cold not to care about her anymore.
Amanda's just sitting there bragging, making me feel bad.
I'm said to be arrogant, is this what I'm like?
Dad seems like he's just waiting to lash out on me.
I know I haven't been around today, but this is unfair.
Amanda begins another rant.
So I'm sitting there in silence.
Pissed off at my sister, who's pissed off at things which are her fault.
I stare down today's treat.
I don't even like Piri Piri Chicken.
I look out of the window, thinking whether I'll be like this in five years.

Leave. I mean if you're gonna sit there all moody
I take the opportunity gladly, however much I want to hit my sister.
It's not something you can say no to.
Things would not have been so awkward if my brother was around."

So I'm sitting here on a cold, broken bed.
Only a loser can't stay happy for three months.
Not even S Club can cheer me up, so I'm waiting for Toploader.
Instead I hear three beeps from my phone.

Words cannot express my gratitude.
I love you Tracey.